Celebrity Science

Now cheer up darlings, I have a message for you. Don't go listening to those silly scientists. After all, what can they know? Most of them have never even undergone a proper detox, let alone had a decent pedicure. Well, I, Felicity Farrago, Queen of Daytime Playtime am here to let you in on some proper celebrity secrets.

Of course it isn't whale sperm that makes the oceans salty, silly! It's mermaids' tears, which is obvious when you think about it; you'd cry too trying to take care of all those scales without a decent waterproof polish. But we have bigger fish to fry. (What? Of course it's a fish, silly!) Here comes the science bit.

Have you ever thought how birds of paradise came by their name? Why, because they're beautiful and you can be too. All you need is a fifty-minute facial in a balm made from nightingale faeces. It worked for Japanese geishas, so it should work for you. Just because a couple of hundred years have gone by it doesn't make the scientific basis any less valid, does it?

How do I keep my tits so perky? I rub them in bread yeast for ten minutes every morning - not too vigorously, mind. And then I place them in greased bap tins for around half an hour until they're lovely. Of course, not everybody has a set of perfectly formed bap tins; I got mine from my mother.

Onto legs and here's a handy tip. Collagen. Yes, that's right, collagen; every lady's best friend in the battle for smooth skin. And there's plenty of collagen in pig's trotters, which is why I breakfast every day on delicious fried pig. Think of it - have you ever seen a pig with cellulite? (Rhetorical question)

And finally, a new twist on the fish pedicure. Tiny fish chew off your calluses. But wait, didn't my body use some of its karmic energy to develop those same calluses? So, it's obvious when you think about it, that having a piscine pedicure removes some of the vital essence of you. But fish is brain food, right? And they are the same size as whitebait, right? Right. So, fry 'em up afterwards and treat your brain as well as your bunions.

And if proof were needed about scientists and their silly theories, if scientists were so 'right' all the time, how come they never get invited to the big movie premiers? As the Latins said, post hocto ergo propter hoc, which roughly translates as if you're worth it, it must be true.

Have a glamorous new year filled with loveliness. Mwaaah!