Only Fools...

I thought about a piece on the potential US remake of Only Fools & Horses, but I soon became alliteratively overwhelmed by the thought of trans-Atlanticly translating Trigger

Then I turned my attention to RBS, but I soon realised everybody is blogging about Stephen Hester’s bonus and I didn't want to sound like one of those envious left-wing drones, banging on about anybody who unfairly earns more than you can get on the dole.

No, for me the best news of the weekend is the brilliant story of Labour MP David “Spanker” Lammy. blaming last summer's riots on his own party's anti-smacking laws. I only hope he's going to shove a big textbook down the back of his trousers when he goes to see Ed "Deputy Head" Balls for his corrective caning. That'll learn 'im.

So, bring back smacking – there’s your answer. If smacking can stop riots – that and rubber bullets – then the same principle can surely be applied elsewhere. The principles of cause and effect cannot, must not, be denied.

We could solve the obesity epidemic by the simple expedient of ceasing to feed children. Once children are denied food for, say three or four months, studies have shown that they do not tend to develop obesity in later life. Admittedly because they rarely tend to develop a later life, but the boffins are working on that.

Studies also show that those children who are actually made to learn things early on in school, rather than being allowed to sit in sand pits until they hit puberty, invariably go on to be able to read and write. Now there is a skill-set we could sorely use in secondary school.

Back to law and order and why stop at smacking? How about castration, for instance? I bloody well bet that once a young offender is castrated he'll never need to be castrated again. He might think twice about offending too. It's all so obvious when you think about it.

Is there not also a lesson here for the banking sector? The problem with our economy stems from poor fiscal propriety and surely the roots of thrift lie in childhood discipline in saving and strict parental monetary control over pocket money inflation. I propose that pocket money is restricted to a national maximum scale and good husbanding of those meagre resources encouraged - by smacking if necessary.

I can see it now; It's all coming together Rodders. Save up your pocket money and this time next year we'll all be millionaires.